Puzzle Pieces

I have spent spring and summer trying to figure things out. To put pieces together in a puzzle that made no sense. I need things to make sense; I need to understand why things happen, what the purpose is, how it all fits together. It took awhile to understand what was going on inside me, now it still doesn’t make a complete picture. It’s been a roller coaster for the last two years, the ups are high and the lows are low. I thought I was taking it all in stride, but it turns out I was just burying everything in my typical fashion. Till everything in me burst, derailing my entire being. I’ve had severe anxiety since the beginning of the year. Sudden panic attacks, to the point that I think my heart is going to explode in my chest. Where I am so torn up that I can’t catch my breath, the tears are cursing down my face, and all I’m wanting is to curl under the covers and hide from the world. They get better for a bit and then they hit again. Random times, random places. Lately I’ve had the bad luck of having them in my car, where I am trapped. It makes me almost not want to drive, which is unfortunate as driving has always been a release for me, an escape. Atthe beginning of the year my heart was broken. I sincerely thought I would be with him for the rest of my life. He promised me heaven and showed me hell. I spent months waiting for him to take it all back, to say that he was going to make the necessary changes, be the person he was when we first fell in love. I understand now that is not going to happen. I’ve been silent on the subject because it was a wound that I couldn’t cope with. There were things I felt I needed to say to him, but I wasn’t willing or able to. Now I have accepted the fact that he does not need or get to hear my truth, it will not matter, it will not change the outcome. He has become someone I use to share memories with. I loved him enough that I will always love him, but I know that our paths are not meant to be together. I have known for awhile, but moving away from him hurt me. If wishes could come true, I would have changed our ending. Closing that chapter and putting our book up on the shelf was the second hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life. Yet, those are not the things that have necessarily kept me from writing. It is this one simple and basic fact, through all of this, the ups and the downs I have hidden myself from the world. Hidden a pain that goes so deep I had no way to get it out. At first I tried to, tried to write, tried to talk, tried to understand, when that didn’t work I avoided it, I tried to hide from it, but it was a black hole of desolation that I couldn’t escape. I would wake up crying in the middle of the night, sobbing hysterically, feeling as though the world has ended. I would at times want to drive off a bridge, or crash my car into a semi or run a knife through my soul. I didn’t want these thoughts; they weren’t how I truly felt. I have always been a closet optimist (with jaded tendencies), this desolation went against my nature. I tried to force them to go away, but they kept returning. I went out, surrounded myself with people that could make me laugh. That would listen to what I had to say. I tried hard to not stay at home, to be alone. Being alone made me nervous, made me worry if I would be safe. Always being out and about is hard when you are an introvert, it drains your energy. I was juggling my emotions and my responsibilities, praying that I didn’t drop anything import, like myself. I was severely depressed. Most days getting out of bed was a battle, living life was a frustration. I tried to keep moving, following the fake it till you make it principle. Every day I struggled, but every morning I got up and tried again. Now I’m beginning to see the light. I’m not sure if it’s the meds, the therapy or just the cycle of depression that has helped me get to this point. What I do know is that I have found pieces of myself; I’m getting that puzzle put together. It looks like nothing I was expecting, yet it is beautiful in its own way. I have found friends who have become family. Those that show me every day; in small ways that they love me. Who sooth my heart and my soul. People who stand by me, even when I don’t make sense. Who build me up instead of tearing me down. People who have helped me find the pieces of this puzzle that is me. There are still dark days. The anxiety still exists, which means I have not completed that puzzle yet. Today is a better day and for now that is enough.