Variety

I’ve been slacking on the blogging. Not because I’m not writing but because I’m not writing anything well. Unless foaming at the mouth rants are really what you are looking for. In which case let me know, I can start posting those.

This is just some random stuff that has been floating around.

I sometimes make myself sleep on the other side of the bed, just to prove I can.

I think my couch is the best thing in the world. If my house was on fire, I would try to take it out with me, which means my list of things to bring with me in a fire are; purse, clothes, the dogs, the cat, the hedgehog, Hemingway and the couch. I bring this up so that when I die in the house fire everyone will understand what happened. I am physically incapable of carrying and / or herding all of those things. At this point, I think my goal needs to be not to have a house fire, which as far as goals goes; it’s a pretty good one.

I have been in an epic battle with pickle jars for awhile now. I lack the ability to open them. I have done the water trick, the bang on the counter, the use a grippy trick, break the seal with a knife... I’ve tried every conceivable option to open the jar (besides breaking the jar in the sink). And still the jars remain stubbornly closed. I probably buy a new jar of pickles about once a month in hopes that this will be the jar that opens. It never is. I feel that I am supporting the pickle industry, yet I never get to eat the pickles. At this point, I’m not even sure that I like pickles; I just know that I want to eat some. My resolution is to accept that I can’t open pickle jars, and stop buying them. I will have to get my pickles from strangers. But it has added a new boyfriend requirement to my list, he must be able to open pickle jars.

I have no zombie attack plan. A vast majority of my friends do. I was ok with this till I realized that if (or when) I became a zombie they would have no issue cutting my head off. I find this to be saddening. They don’t seem to be thinking twice about offing me. Now I feel obligated to come up with a Zombie attack plan so that my friends don’t hurt my feelings by killing me.

I only watch you-tube for videos of animals attacking humans. I realize that this may be a little odd. But it makes me happy and amuses me when the animals kick human butt. I mean I love me some wild animals, but I fully recognize and appreciate the fact that they are wild. Don’t make them pets, and they will be less likely to maul you. My favorite is when a lion attacked some hunters, don’t hunt lions, they will mess your shit up.

I heard on the local news,”women found safe under her bed.” Apparently she has been missing since this weekend, I heard this on Wednesday. This lady apparently is a great hide and seek player. I mean really, under her bed, did no one think to look there first? Note to the world, if someone is missing, check under the bed and in the closet first.

I originally started the above section with the word honestly, and then I realized that it was redundant. I figure my readers should assume what I put out here is the truth, unless otherwise stated. I decided I don't need to make a point of saying I’m being honest, you all can just assume I am.

New webpage I’m enjoying. It’s mean and funny. So many are things I think in my head, but so often am unable to say out loud. http://www.bluntcard.com/