Old Yellow House

It's just an old yellow house
     (It's not even yellow anymore)

Old school desks on the front porch
     a train set across the pool table in the basement
Where the dirt cellar hides creepy crawlies
    if you dare, there is a ghost in the attic.

The back bedroom is full of comics,
     Snoopy, Archie and more
The single bathroom, that always has a line
     Best go before someone beats you to it.

Crowded around the kitchen,
     Pots and pans stacked high
Buns in the oven, butter on the table
     And beer in the garage.

Grab a plate,
     Fill it the brim.
Pickles, beets and orange jello are always on the menu,
     But remember, no snorting jello through a straw.

 Scooch over, plenty of room to find a spot.
     Be it at the adult table or a card table.
Eat till you pull a muscle,
     Then make room for pie.

Garden full of flowers, fresh veggies to eat
     Sitting on the swing,
playing in the camper
     One last game of one o'clock the ghost ain't here.

Walk up to the Penguin for ice cream,
     Sit down for a game of cribbage
Friday night perch fry,
     A toast with Blackberry Brandy

Laughter and stories,
     Drawing us together.
Telling old memories
     As the new are being made.

It's just an old yellow house
     (It's not even yellow anymore)

Have you been thankful today?

It is November, the month that we are suppose to be thankful. I’m seeing everyone state what they are thankful for which created in me a need to make some of my own lists. Well it may not have been a need, making lists may be a compulsion.

Things I’m not thankful for:
• Snakes
• The fact that you are now someone that I just share memories with.
• The fact that there are no ice cream delivery services
• The fact that there is no queso delivery service
• Global warming, whether it’s because of human actions or not, for goodness sake save the polar bears!
• The middle east being on the edge of war
• I have no zombie plan (ok this one is my own fault but I’m still not thankful for it
• Commercials
• Easy to open packages that you need a chisel and jackhammer to open.
• Retailers that feel Halloween is the appropriate time to put out Christmas decorations, leave Halloween alone.
• The fact that candy corn is only in season for Halloween and Thanksgiving, that stuff is crack, don’t deny me it.
• Cheese curds can only be found in Wisconsin
• People who don’t understand my sarcasm or sense of humor
• Panic attacks • The random bruises that I have no clue where they came from
• Shopping for jeans, seriously right when I find a pair I like how they fit, the store stops selling them
• Waiting for a text
• Pickle jars that I can’t open
• Math
• Politics
• Firefly being cancelled
• Fake friends

Things I am thankful for:
• My besties
• Cute boys who love horror movies
• People who can make me laugh
• My Awesome Red Couch
• Cheese
• Song lyrics
• Slapsgiving
• Friends that I can burst into song with
• Fuzzy socks
• Your phone calls
• Hugs
• My family, well most of them lol
• The taste of Mountain Dew in the morning
• Popcorn
• My boobs
• My favorite pair of jeans
• Purses
• Farley, Lou and Gabby
• Kisses that tingle my toes
• Hoodies
• Pluto, both the Planet and the Disney Character
• Dr. Sheldon Cooper

Puzzle Pieces

I have spent spring and summer trying to figure things out. To put pieces together in a puzzle that made no sense. I need things to make sense; I need to understand why things happen, what the purpose is, how it all fits together. It took awhile to understand what was going on inside me, now it still doesn’t make a complete picture. It’s been a roller coaster for the last two years, the ups are high and the lows are low. I thought I was taking it all in stride, but it turns out I was just burying everything in my typical fashion. Till everything in me burst, derailing my entire being. I’ve had severe anxiety since the beginning of the year. Sudden panic attacks, to the point that I think my heart is going to explode in my chest. Where I am so torn up that I can’t catch my breath, the tears are cursing down my face, and all I’m wanting is to curl under the covers and hide from the world. They get better for a bit and then they hit again. Random times, random places. Lately I’ve had the bad luck of having them in my car, where I am trapped. It makes me almost not want to drive, which is unfortunate as driving has always been a release for me, an escape. Atthe beginning of the year my heart was broken. I sincerely thought I would be with him for the rest of my life. He promised me heaven and showed me hell. I spent months waiting for him to take it all back, to say that he was going to make the necessary changes, be the person he was when we first fell in love. I understand now that is not going to happen. I’ve been silent on the subject because it was a wound that I couldn’t cope with. There were things I felt I needed to say to him, but I wasn’t willing or able to. Now I have accepted the fact that he does not need or get to hear my truth, it will not matter, it will not change the outcome. He has become someone I use to share memories with. I loved him enough that I will always love him, but I know that our paths are not meant to be together. I have known for awhile, but moving away from him hurt me. If wishes could come true, I would have changed our ending. Closing that chapter and putting our book up on the shelf was the second hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life. Yet, those are not the things that have necessarily kept me from writing. It is this one simple and basic fact, through all of this, the ups and the downs I have hidden myself from the world. Hidden a pain that goes so deep I had no way to get it out. At first I tried to, tried to write, tried to talk, tried to understand, when that didn’t work I avoided it, I tried to hide from it, but it was a black hole of desolation that I couldn’t escape. I would wake up crying in the middle of the night, sobbing hysterically, feeling as though the world has ended. I would at times want to drive off a bridge, or crash my car into a semi or run a knife through my soul. I didn’t want these thoughts; they weren’t how I truly felt. I have always been a closet optimist (with jaded tendencies), this desolation went against my nature. I tried to force them to go away, but they kept returning. I went out, surrounded myself with people that could make me laugh. That would listen to what I had to say. I tried hard to not stay at home, to be alone. Being alone made me nervous, made me worry if I would be safe. Always being out and about is hard when you are an introvert, it drains your energy. I was juggling my emotions and my responsibilities, praying that I didn’t drop anything import, like myself. I was severely depressed. Most days getting out of bed was a battle, living life was a frustration. I tried to keep moving, following the fake it till you make it principle. Every day I struggled, but every morning I got up and tried again. Now I’m beginning to see the light. I’m not sure if it’s the meds, the therapy or just the cycle of depression that has helped me get to this point. What I do know is that I have found pieces of myself; I’m getting that puzzle put together. It looks like nothing I was expecting, yet it is beautiful in its own way. I have found friends who have become family. Those that show me every day; in small ways that they love me. Who sooth my heart and my soul. People who stand by me, even when I don’t make sense. Who build me up instead of tearing me down. People who have helped me find the pieces of this puzzle that is me. There are still dark days. The anxiety still exists, which means I have not completed that puzzle yet. Today is a better day and for now that is enough.

Two Men and a Truck and other disappointments

I know that based on past experiences I should never expect things to go smoothly, and yet I do. Furthermore, I find myself surprised when things don’t go as planned. I moved this weekend, and like most things, it was an adventure. Nothing went majorly wrong, but nothing went as planned either.

First off for whatever reason, my being prepared skills were lacking. Instead of following the plan I had put together of packing ahead of time, I spent my time sitting on the couch doing nothing. The move started simply enough, I went and picked up my keys, no issues there, picked up V who was coming in from out of town to help, no issues there. We went to Moe’s for dinner, YUM, but there was a hair in my Nacho’s. Boo! Thursday morning comes and we run a few loads over to the new place and are debating if we have enough time to run another load. I figure, why not call the moving company and check in if they have a more narrowed time frame then between 10 and 1. I dial the number and hear the message that the phone is out of service. Maybe I dialed the wrong number, so I look it up again, try again. Still with the message phone is out of service. Feeling a little confused, and the first dredges of panic, I try a different Two Men and a Truck location. Dustin answers. Dustin informs me that I am the 4th caller today that has stated the Chamberland office is not available; he then tells me that they have not shown up to some jobs today. I feel the panic starting, but feel that maybe it is not what it seems. For what it seems is that the movers have closed and bailed on me. Dustin proceeds to tell me that he can move me today, but I would have to repay the deposit. Now I am feeling a little more panic, I don’t have extra money to pay another deposit. He kindly explains that they are all individually operated, and therefore he can’t get the money from them. I would have to take it up with them.

Dustin and I determine that my best option is to drive over to the Chamberland Lane office to see if they are open, then I can decide if I want their office to move me. OK, so off V and I go. Luckily they are open, but just experiencing phone issues. Why they didn’t think to call their customers I don’t know. They tell me the movers are on their way to my house. So V and I rush back to the apartment, and wait for them. When they get there, they tell me that they are counting that they left their office at 12:04, which is when they start billing me, it was now 12:40. It took at most 10 min to get from their office to my apartment. So they start loading. I think things are going ok, but I noticed they seem to be S L O W. The first guy tells me that they have to wait for a manager to come and bring tools, as apparently they didn’t bring any to unhook the washer or take apart the bed.

Finally after 3 ½ hours they are packed up. Now keep in mind, I have a two bedroom apartment, and am moving into a one bedroom, so an abundance of furniture and belongs I do not have. So we leave the apartment, they pull out ahead of us. We stop at a gas station, head to the new place and manage to unload the majority of my car before the movers show up. I was quoted 5 hours at maximum for the move. They have about 50 minutes left before they go over my estimate. I’m not thrilled. They ask if I want them to organize the furniture, I stated, no, just bring it. At this point they are basically running to get things off the truck, and haphazardly putting it in the apartment. Finally the last thing they do is to put the couch legs back on the couch. And off they go. V and I cannot even walk through the apartment based on how they put stuff in it. They didn’t stack or even put things up against the wall, they just shoved it wherever they could. They billed me for exactly 5 hours, and took off 45 min for breaks to bring it down to the 5 hours. Last time I moved and I used Two Men and a Truck (though a different location) it took 4 ½ hours but we had to stop at a storage unit, and the drive was longer. I was not thrilled, but at this point, I’m feeling some panic because the move is taking longer, plus I had them leave things that we could carry and fit in my car (save on time/money for the movers). V and I head back for a load, walk in and I look down and see one of my couch legs sitting on the floor. They didn’t even bother to tell me that when they put the legs on, they were missing one. Without the leg, we could have broken the couch; I am not impressed or thrilled with Two Men and a Truck.

We head back to the new place, and V and I are both going it seems really warm in here, but we thought maybe it was just because we had the doors open all day. Then some additional friends came over to help organize and see the new place, D took it upon himself to be manly and call maintenance since it was obvious at this point the AC was not working. When they called back the maintenance guy suggested I strongly push (i.e.: hit) they furnace, as the safety switch most likely got turned off. It appears resolving maintenance issues at the new place means hitting things.

Friday V and I are showering and we both think gee it seems like the water is pretty tepid, but whatever, we got places to go (such as IKEA (love it!)). V gets attacked at IKEA by a shelf, which leaves a huge gash in her arm. It ended up taking us twice as long to drive back, due to horrid traffic. But we made it with some really awesome finds. I love IKEA, I want to do all my shopping there. I think they need to build one in Louisville!

Saturday comes and after doing some more work V and I decide to treat ourselves to Pedicures. First, the place closed at 8, and it was 7:30, but they took us anyway. Usually a pedicure takes maybe an hour, usually less. We didn’t leave there until right before 9:30, longest pedicure ever. At this point we are starving, so we go to a local sports bar. The hostess greets us, and states, just the two of you. We respond yes, she suddenly looks worried and goes, hold on just a moment, and walks away to stare out the window for around 3 minutes. Then she comes back goes “that was weird” V and I were both thinking “yes, yes it was” she then asks “just the two of you?” Luckily V and I had our filters on as we both had snarky comments to make, but we didn’t. Highlight of the dinner, V was served a PBR in a can, with a brown paper bag around it. Super Classy!

On Sunday V goes to leave, as she is getting ready, she once again comments on how the water seems rather tepid. I think it’s odd, and am worried that maybe the gas company didn’t turn on the gas like they were supposed to. But suddenly I feel the urge to check the water heater, and realize that they have the heat setting turned all the way to low. No wonder it was tepid. I also went t do some laundry and realized that the water wasn’t running, so I had to find the water switch for that. The water switch for the dishwasher was harder to find and I had to breakdown and call maintenance. As the maintenance guy stated “he will soon have me trained to do his job.”

I went to Wal-Mart TWICE to get a key made, neither key worked. The first key at least fit in the lock. The second one didn’t, upon closer look; it wasn’t even the same type of key. Um, Wal-Mart shouldn’t you have known that and got me the right type of key?

At this point, I am all moved in. I have turned the old keys in. Taking inventory, I have managed to survive the move with only a swollen wrist and hand, some bites, hives briefly and a possible concussion. Next time I decide to move, someone just tell me no. Or sedate me till the feeling goes away.

Naked Zombies

Jumping right in on my random thoughts…
Why is it that zombies are never naked? Am I expected to believe that everyone is fully dressed when they get attacked? That just doesn’t seem likely. People are going to end up being attacked while they are in all states of dress; bathrobes, boxers, tops only, bottoms only, socks only. I also think it’s unlikely that everyone is going to have shoes on. I know for myself I rarely wear shoes unless I know I’m going somewhere it is required. Odds are I’m going to be barefoot and in my pajama’s when the zombie apocalypse happens. I think this random state of dress needs to be better reflected in the movies and shows.

A friend and I were talking about dating, and I’ve decided that we should put together a book on all our weird dating stories. I don’t just mean the awkward ‘he talked about his mom the entire time’ but the really weird ‘then he asked me to pee on him’ situations. In addition all the stories of the morning after, when you wake up and wonder where you put your pants, and what state you are in. The guy who doesn’t take no for an answer and finds the lamest reasons to hang around. Not to mention there will have to be a section dedicated to dick picks… the fact that guys need to send pictures of their dicks, you don’t have to ask, you don’t even have to seem like you are interested in seeing it. Apparently in guy language ‘Hi’ equals ‘Please send me a picture of your penis.’ (for you guys out there, do not send a picture unless you have been asked to do so, it will be better for you in the long run, rarely does a non-requested dick picture go over well.)(if you have a crazy dating story, post a comment, I would love to hear it.)

It’s shark week, which makes me happy. It is amazing to me that with all our knowledge we still no very little about why they do the things they do, and where they give birth. Every year though we learn more. I also am appreciating the fact that Finding Nemo is coming out in 3D. But it raises a question, how come there are not more 3D horror movies? Wouldn’t it be great if Ghostbusters came out in 3D? There would be some awesome scenes. Dear Hollywood, you need to get on that!

I move in 2 days, I’m excited and stressed. This is going to be another new start for me. Not only am I glad to get out of my scary apartment (one day there was a used condom on the back steps, a week later there was a pregnancy test in the bushes . . . coincidence?) but it will also be a place that is just mine. No memories, no regrets. It’s a new chapter in my life, and I am beyond ready for it. I know some will say I move too much, what can I say I have a wanderlust, and bad luck in picking places to live. Each time I move I sincerely hope this will be the last one.

I have for awhile now felt the need to either run and/or hide. I won’t, because I don’t know how to give up or give in. Of course that isn’t always good, I hold on longer then I should. I damage myself in the process. And ultimately I can’t run and/or hide from myself. I will be wherever I go. The things that haunt me, they won’t disappear with a new location. Any more then they disappear when I close my eyes. Stephen King said “Monsters are real. Ghosts are real too. They live inside us. And sometimes, they win.” He’s very right. Yet it doesn’t change the fact that sometimes I want to build a pillow fort and hide from the world. A place that is safe. One of my dearest hopes is that someday I won’t find that need, because my world will be my pillow fort. And the people in it will be the people that protect me, versus the ones that hurt me.

Speaking of being hurt, there have been so many shootings lately. I have so much to say, but nothing to say at all. All I can think is it would be nice if people would stop shooting others. While I do not dispute that there are some people who deserve to be shot I know without doubt they are not a bunch of random people who are at temple, or school or a movie. If violence is the answer, you are not asking the right question. I wish we would learn better. Whatever it is in our society that is creating this ‘solution’ to people’s problems needs to be changed, and I sincerely hope we figure out how.

This year has been tough, yet at the same time, I have found my smile in the oddest places. And I deeply thank everyone who has been there, who has seen the tears and not turned away. Who has ridden the crazy train and continued to purchase tickets so that I wouldn’t be alone. I can not express how much it has meant to me to have you in my life, you remind me that as bad as it may seem, it really isn’t all that bad. I’m not good at being mushy, even though I am an incredible sap on the inside. I hope each of you know who you are, those that have made me smile when I felt like there was no smiles left. You are near and dear in my heart. I love you to pieces!

And on a final note, I have gotten a twitter account, which in itself is not exciting, but if you are on there, I highly recommend following @CatFoodBreath. Words do not express the awesomeness.

Oops one more thing. Way to go Nerds and NASA, The Curiosity Rover is amazing, and I love the updates. And I love the fact that once again the nation loves NASA as much as I do, and that is a whole damn lot. Keep doing what you guys are doing!

I don't know either

I have writer’s block. That in and of itself isn’t that big of deal, it happens, but this time it is different. I want to write, I am yearning to write. I have all this stuff I want to say. Yet it gets stuck. Like a chicken wing in my throat, I can’t get it to go down or come back up. Maybe the things I need to say just are not ready to be said yet. Yet I want to say them. I want to scream them, record them on an old cassette tape and mail them to everyone. I want to rent a hot air balloon and drop propaganda leaflets from it stating my thoughts and feelings. Actually there is a lot of different type of leaflets I would drop. SAVE THE TEQUILA would probably be the first one.

I often thing in quotes or song lyrics. Sometimes I think that may be the only way left for me to communicate the way that I feel. Yet maybe I don’t need to say how I feel. Maybe it’s meant to be left unsaid. Is this the cosmo’s giving me a message? I’m not good at subtly.

I keep seeing 24 in 1 ladder show in QVC. So I was curious as to what it was and looked it up on the internet. For the record, it is exactly what it said it was, but what is noteworthy is they had an ad that stated buy 2 save on shipping and handling. Who needs 48 ladders? I thought the 24 in 1 was more ladders than I would use in my lifetime. I will admit I’m slightly interested in knowing who would need all these different types of ladders. If you or someone you know would use more than 24 different types of ladders, please comment and let me know what all the different ladders are for.

I’m not going to lie, I do like infomercials. The stuff they come up with is amazing. Ordinary things you never knew you could live without. Yet most of us do. We spend our whole lives without it, never knowing how much better things could be. I have a snuggy. I can’t use it, because I’m short (it’s too long, I trip over it). But I enjoy owning it. I’ve always wanted a Chia pet, because it’s creepy. I have a strange affection for things that are creepy. And let’s all admit, we want to know if Ginsu knives really can cut through everything they say, and then cut a tomato.

I have questions. About everything. For every answer given, I think of more questions. I never got over the childhood need to ask why. I don’t mean to be rude or nosy, I often don’t think that far in advance. I just think well this is interesting tell me more. I have found some people find this to be rude. I don’t understand that, if someone asks me a question I don’t want to answer; I just don’t answer it, or distract them with some inane randomness. And since I’m pretty random people don’t generally notice. The point I was making is that the internet get me every time. I go to look up one thing and then 4 hours later I’ve realized I’ve lost 4 hours. I do not understand not being curious about the world and the people around them.

The other day I was out with a friend, and we were walking down Bardstown Rd in Louisville KY. And we saw a miniature pony tied to a person’s chair sitting outside a bar. I think this sums up what makes America so great, people can bring their ponies out in public without fear of judgment.

One last thought, it isn’t mine, but I am passing it on. The word needs to be spread, tell your friends, your neighbors, the lady in front of you at Target. In today’s world of political agenda and mudslinging many important issues are getting overlooked. The most important of which is SAVE THE TEQUILA. Be proactive; do not let it disappear into nothingness. Go out and drink some today. Have some tomorrow also. Only you can SAVE THE TEQUILA.

Love

I am a romantic. I believe there is a soul mate for each of us. That happily-ever-after does occur. I think one has to work at these things, every day. Falling in love is not a choice, but it is a choice to be in love. It’s a lot of work and effort, it’s not easy. So I see no reason that one should limit the choices of who to love. If one heart speaks to another, we shouldn’t say it should be ignored. I have many friends that are happily married to great men. Yet not a single one of those men called to my heart, do I have the right to tell them that their heart is wrong because it speaks differently than mine does? Yet we feel it’s appropriate to tell those who love someone of the same-sex that their heart is wrong. In a world where children shoot children, people put bombs in their underwear and people hit one another we shouldn’t deny anyone the opportunity for love. Love is the most precious thing we have to give. Why would we want to tamper with it, deny it or try and change it? Some will say that same-sex marriage will ruin the sanctity of marriage; my response is look at the divorce statistics. On average 1 out of 2 marriages will end in divorce. I think that the sanctity of marriage has already been ruined; we should let someone else try and preserve it. Why do we assume they would do a worse job at marriage then we do, if anything they may do a better job, as human beings have a tendency to treasure the things that they fight for. America was founded on the belief of a pluralistic society. We are supposed to embrace different ideas and beliefs; to be accepting of those that are different. Yet we state that those that are different then us are not equal to us and do not deserve the same rights as us. And last but not least, to address those who feel that same-sex marriage goes against the word of God. Let me take a moment to remind you that Jesus, Buddha and many other religious figures preached love. Not hate, not judgment. It is not our place to judge anyone else. Limiting their rights is judging them. If two consenting adults are willing to love each other, to build their lives together, to ride this crazy ride together, why would we deny them the right to do so? Don’t be the person who denies someone the right to love the person their heart chooses. The world needs more love. “The world moves for love. It kneels before it in awe.” M. Night Shyamalan